The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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