I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
