It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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