i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
