Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
