I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
