is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
