the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Alive.
So much puke
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
