Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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