Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
