You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
