It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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