I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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