The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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