So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
