i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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