If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
