i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
There r osticjed everywhere
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
