Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
