i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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