He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
