you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
