did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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