i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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