just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
