How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My life is pants optional.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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