Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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