So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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