96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
