Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
