Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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