I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
