Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Buhtt sex?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
