I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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