um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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