dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
