We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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