someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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