a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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