she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
