Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
