Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
