my room smells like sperm. sweet.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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