if only i could text you this smell
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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