Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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