Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
