Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
