I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
