i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
