I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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